I need to tell you about my oldest mate Barry, he’s blond blue eyed and as cocky as Ali but one funny fucker. Our tractors met on the muck hills of tallaght and immediately a lifelong friendship and competition was born. From soccer to tennis and golf we played everything like we were on TV ,we even sparred at boxing he caught me with a right hand and gave me a bloody nose but I was far from finished ,he threw off the gloves put his arms up ran around telling everyone he battered me ,still does to this day. We done everything together depending on what was on TV we would replicate it on the road or in the field from Wimbledon to The Masters but our favourite was English football league and Liverpool in particular. We would play day and night on the road mimicking our favourite players and commentating out loud. He like me spiralled into drug addiction for many years but still great friends.
We were 15 and after coming home from school sitting in my bedroom pretending to do homework but looking at harries porno magazines ,he hid at the bottom of his locker with an access hatch .yes harry we all knew except Chrissie )) …Keith walks in and says what’s that noise ,I said Steo is doing press ups on the landing wearing black bags to lose weight to make weight for boxing, now Steo was nuts but most driven fella I know he became a boxing champion and a millionaire in business with no real education, I’ll get to this later. Keith says he’s nuts and pulled a plastic bag out with little white tablets and said look at these boys like Fagan out of Oliver twist ,a tanner each there ecstasy called “Mad Basterds” . He told us about the rave and he’s very persuasive as he use to have me scratching his back with a fork for 50pence, felt like jabbing it into his kidneys only I wanted jellies .After he told us all about it me and Barry looked at each other and smiled, we chatted and worked out what it took to make it happen and proceeded over to local snooker hall.
We met a friend who gave us a lay on of an ounce of soap bar(hash) we’d a week to pay it back, now an once was 80 pound at the time but if cut up cleverly ye can make double that, we chopped 14 deals giving us profit of 60 ,we sold it outside the snooker hall taking turns while the other sold credits, if ye put a pound into street fighter the most popular arcade game in the snooker hall ye got 7 credits , so ye make 40 pence on every pound , slow process but not as cold as standing at the wall with a bag of match stick deals, and the chance of getting nicked, we managed to get up enough for our big night.
Saturday night finally came and Barry knocks around with hair slicked back and his jeans ironed like it was his confo, got dressed got our” E” off the brother told the mother a load of lies and headed to the snooker hall to meet the posy and get the 65b into town. With the smell of hubba bubba and tenants on the bus the excitement was building but was hindered by the worry of not getting in as Dublin bouncers have a tendency to be tossers and the fact I looked 12, but was armed with my fake id and a cheeky smile how could they say no. Standing in the queue with my heart beating to the sound of the music and the site of townie woman with short skirts and tattoos on the knuckles we got to the front, after a little inquisition we got in ….happy days !!!
Walking in feeling like Kings we took our E and watched the place fill and the atmosphere electric the music pounding and everyone in love ,20 mins later I got hit with a sledgehammer of love and emotion like id never experienced I was hooked and there was nothing going to save me ,an addiction was birthed and it was planning my funeral, we danced and hugged all sorts of creatures with chins hanging off eyeballs popping out and everyone took their tops off now we were built like two earwigs but didn’t give a bollix at that stage, it was fucking mental I loved every min of it. When the night was nearly ending was like eating your last two maltesers biting them in half and melting the two halves with your tongue savouring every moment ,because when it was over I was getting some hiding off harry, the music ended and was like the great depression no one could believe it was over all sorting the next buzz and party to go too, but we had to get a jo maxi (Taxi) and Barry in my ear all the way calling me a handbag, I said if I had an owlfella like your weasel one I would stay out but I knew if me Dad thought I was on drugs I was dead he despised them. After a cup of tea at abrakebra we jumped a taxi ,still buzzing and chin all over the shop I went into a vegetative state ,id 20 pound in my hand I kept to get home cause if I left it with Barry he’d of bought some weapon an “E” trying to get into her knickers , sitting there I slowly rolled up the note like it was a bus ticket and rolled down the window and thru it out ,looked at Bar and said” did I just throw the money out the window” he said” ye what ye do that for” ….stop the taxi I shouted ran out looked everywhere, got back in and broke the bad news to taxi man ,fucking tulips he said ,Barry pulls the hash out of his jocks and said we can pay ye in hash, with no choice he took the Hash deals and dropped us off, walking down the road on a totally different buzz now I crept into the porch opening it as slow as I could not to wake Chrissie I could hear the crows on the roof saying “your dead”…put the key in the door she was already down the stairs that woman sleeps with one eye open, Where the fuck where you get up the stairs before ye wake your Dad ill deal with you in morning ,after lying there for 5 hours looking at posters come alive and a buzzing sound like I was the terminator I heard her getting up turning on hover ,the noise got stronger I heard it bang off the door she opened the door I pretended to be asleep ,she bet the hover off the bed in a bid to get my attention saying a word with every bang Where the fuck where you ye skinny bastered???? , ye left your eyeballs on the pillow, what did you take???? ,with that I heard a thump only sound a grown man could make ,like a gorilla he came in and got a few clatters as his brothers were drug addicts he looked at me with disgust and left the room, I cried and not from the few clatters but I knew even then I could never stop.
Reflection
When I looked back now to the vulnerable boy I was I realised I was living with an empty hole I couldn’t fill, I couldn’t off asked for a better mother she done everything for us but I found it impossible to express myself emotionally at home, I had an inferiority complex towards my brothers that I accepted, but my strength would come later. When I went to school I was outgoing smart and funny and class clown your classic fucked up syndrome derived from who knows. Humour was my shield for anyone who got close would hear the sharp tongue and when delivered correctly to caused laughter no one dared get close again. I was always getting directed to college but I was adamant I wanted to work for my Dad’s Plumbing business, craving his attention and time, ye see I was yearning acceptance from a man that hadn’t the ability to give it or understanding that I needed it so I felt rejected and was welcomed into the arms of addiction and as a 15 year it looked so attractive monkey sees monkey does , my Dad use to say ” Do as I say not as I do”, a concept I didn’t warm too. He never wanted this for me but I couldn’t find my way in life.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers