After 2 years of raving drinking, taking” E “, and partying every week, all the while trying to do my leaving cert but finding it all the more difficult. Was around this time I was introduce to heroin, H, smack, brown or gear…..the most deadly drug in Dublin brought into Fatima in the 80,s and unlucky for the my family it’s were we resided.
After a rave this particular Saturday I was allowed go back to a party in a flat around the corner from the Olympic, I was 15 at the time and the youngest as my brother Keith and cousin Tommy were there, now I knew Tommy was taking heroin but I never seen it, when we got in there was 2 areas to chill ,the tinfoil corner and the rizlas and I wasn’t promoted yet .There was 6 of them passing around a roll of tinfoil like they were in the heroin Olympics, I walked over to Tommy he said” if I ever see ye smoking this ill burst ye” , similar to what harry would say funny what runs in the family , now Tommy was a seasoned smoker he made a perfect square out of the foil ,then made a straw out of the foil called a tutor ,poured on the powder like it was gold dust told everyone not to breathe on this precious powder ,burned it with the lighter it melted into liquid and rolled it down the foil , he was very precise in this process while his domineer changed from the road runner to the rabbit in the Cadburys caramel ad , ye she was a heroin addict. He was melted into the chair, I turned a looked and seen Barry smoking it and to be honest I felt left out but knew I’d have my opportunity, I was intrigued and curious, and the seed was planted.
Smoking the Seed
I waited till during the week and I knocked into Barry and told him I wanna try, just the once to see what it’s like neither of us knowing the destruction to follow , he begrudgingly agreed as he was afraid of my families reaction if they found out. That Thursday he knocked in and told me he got it, filled with excitement I ran out the door telling me ma I’m going the cinema, we walked down to the square to a garage that was only a shell and half built, Barry prepared the foil nothing on Tommy’s standard but good enough to get stoned, I smoked the first line and every worry anxiety fear and sense of reality left my body and I was filled with acceptance confidence warmth and a mad craving for jellies. We finished the bag getting greedier line by line and we start arguing over who got more, when we were done we walked over to square to see a film and enjoy the stone, getting sick every couple of steps and scratching like a mongrel. Now when you first smoke heroin you convince people and yourself you’re in control when in fact you’ve just signed your soul to the devil himself , now I’m not going to tell ye I was totally hooked that night but heroin is very sneaky it’s like athletes foot it grows on you and is a fucking nuisance. I went home late enough to avoid Chrissies interrogation and slept like a baby on calpol…. I was stoned for two days and thought that was that no more for me I’m in control. When in reality I was in a contract with my subconscious that I wasn’t aware about or had any control over, I was a passenger to my emotions.
Reflection
Everyone would think that taken heroin was the start of my demise but it happened way earlier as Freud explained the problem was already there waiting in my subconscious been fed by repetitive negative thinking driving by fear and lack of oneself. I was an undiagnosed depressant suffering with a sever anxiety disorder, inferiority complex with a confusing Introvert/extrovert personality depending on the mask I was wearing, my goodness looking back now I deserved heroin!!!!