I’d had enough and rang home saying I was ready to go away. I went home and rang coolmine which was a well established drug treatment facility and arranged an assessment I was to go the following day, this particular place was in Portarlington and was a behaviour modification programme, I went down with a totally different attitude and me Dad brought me and gave me all his support I wanted to make him proud.
When I arrived it was a bungalow like an old couples house but I felt much more comfortable as I was brought straight into the meeting room and all the lads came in and sat down and all told me there name and welcomed me, I was assigned a big brother Jim who took me under his wing and would support me thru my sickness, who fell asleep every night and barely spoke to me. Treatment can be a very funny place with strange methods to get ye to change but this place had a quiet fella doing laps of the house with a carrot tied to his hand while he chatted away as he couldn’t express himself in group . I was in stitches and had to apologize but come on .there was no cursing or using slang ,I was given a sheet of all the words I was to use while in the programme ,it was all to make you aware of your behaviour , we done pull ups which meant you were to pull each other up if we veered from the dossier we were given , for example if I was drying the dishes and one of the lads left a bit of dirt on plate id have to say “ bring up your awareness on being lazy not cleaning properly “ this went on for everything blokes pulling each other up all over the place, so resentment was rife but not expressed , if ye had an issue you had to write it on a slip put in the slip box and wait for confrontation group , where it was only time ye can curse, it was very regimental , but I thought the place was nuts but I wasn’t going to play ball id nowhere to else go . I went thru my sickness it took about 8 days with no sleep I didn’t think it was humanly possible and on my eight morning I was in a foul mood bad idea in this place because every behaviour was scrutinised , went into morning meeting and in a bad mood in there was called” in a bag” , the leader Alex asked was I in a bag I said I’m in a fucken suitcase that I didn’t sleep again he asked me to stand they all start singing” head shoulders knees and toes” and made me do the actions while they laughed, then asked me to sing a song I knew ,I sang Molly Malone I remember looking at a bluebottle in the window and asked God to let me turn into it and fly the fuck out of this nuthouse , they all clapped and I did smile and got on with my day . If ye needed a haircut it was a skin head or take a chance on big James who fancied himself as a barber which I was strongly advised against so skin head was fine, they even had a small bathroom for ye to masturbate in with porn mags as when you’re coming off heroin your sex drive goes thru the roof and you would get a horn if the wind blew, I was always hanging out my washing. Coolmine was a 16 month program but id no intension of doing an Andy Dufrain sentence, in my head Keith went for 12 weeks that was good enough for Harry so I had my target, see I was still doing this for others and hadn’t the capability of self worth to change for myself it was beyond me at this stage. After 12 weeks of pull ups dodgy haircuts and excessive masturbation I was ready to go home, I rang harry he couldn’t be more proud but he did love telling everyone in the pub the story’s about the place, they all had a good giggle at my expense.
When I arrived home the first person to greet me was my little sister Jenny who I’m very close too and love dearly. I could see the love in her eyes and how proud she was to have me back to myself. What an addict is oblivious too is the hurt it causes others and the effect on the family and those that love you, you’re so self obsessed you only recognise your own pain and there’s a huge selfishness attached to it, the look in Jenny’s eyes revealed this pattern in me. Now I couldn’t go far or be seen in public till my hair grew to some level of acceptance and I was a little brainwashed from treatment. I was so aware of my behaviour and those around me I started to do pull ups in the house which didn’t go down too well .I followed the same pattern as my brother Keith and decided to go back drinking as I had yet to find my identity in this life and was still a follower consumed with fear. But secretly inside I was caging the demon who spoke to me regularly. I was like a pot simmering with the lid on. To everyone around me I looked and sounded great, a mask I wore well. I actually wore quite a few to gain peoples acceptance and try becoming what I think they wanted me to be. I could be funny, smart, kind, loyal, affectionate but emotionally crippled. The one thing I couldn’t be was myself sure who knew who that was!
Finally the time came to go for a pint with the lads what every Irish man thinks life is centred around. They get one look at the Bulmer’s add on the TV and there’s sparks coming out of there George Webs going to the Jobstown House our local boozer. Friday would come and work finished head to Molloys to get paid have few pints and arrange the weekend. Always starts in the Jobstown House and ends in a police cell for drink driving with the words Harry speaks ringing in my ears “ don’t do as I do , do as I say “. Got to the point I drank straight through Friday to Monday and spent every penny I earned but it’s all good I wasn’t a heroin addict so nobody thought any less off me. Inside I was miserable but wore the mask they all liked. Woke up in a cell in Terenure with no memory of getting there with a tongue like a camels toe, called the guard and asked what I done with a cheeky smile, he replied “We were watching you from the station at the abberly court while you were urinating on the wheel of your van while eating a snack box, then you proceeded to get into the van drive up the Tallaght bypass eating a leg of chicken. We proceeded after you and arrested under section 4 of the road traffic act and breathalysed you which you referred to saying” it will explode I’m drinking since this morning”. Not laughing now ye smart fucker and walked away very pleased with his nights work.
Leaving the station and going home when the drink where’s off and reality sets in on a Monday morning when your meant to be in work, doing a job you don’t like with a hangover from hell. The subtle voice gets stronger saying “get and a bag just for today sort out the hangover and enjoy your day off”, I was living a constant battle to stay clean. My life continued with working during the week to drinking from Friday through to Monday and this was the norm of acceptance; in fact someone that didn’t drink in our network of assioation’s would be alienated as less than Irish. I so desperately wanted normality so I drank and switched from someone who was casted into the wild to someone welcomed back to a civilised addiction by switching from powder to liquid. Now don’t get me wrong heroin will take you to a place where isolation is your best friend.