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Scene 8: Free me Willy

The next 6 months things declined rapidly went from successfully working and claiming the dole to just claiming the dole and robbing newly built houses , Dave was quiet a good stroker and he came to me and said “ listen harry there’s new estate gone up beside knockmore school and with your plumbing skills we could rob the boilers , I got news Christy Cullen was doing security so we got a 6 pack of Guinness his favourite drink and knocked into his cabin , told him we would only take few fireplaces we will throw him price of a drink when we sold them, he said work away lads just don’t make any noise or much damage . we had a glass cutter and cut a hole out of windows to get in we took boilers rads and fireplaces and copper cylinders, we fleeced the estate, it wasn’t long before it was on crime line, I was able to get boxes for the boilers so when I got a job I got full price and money for labour, I wasn’t the healthiest looking plumber coming to your door with robbed boilers and a slow puncher I had for over 3 moths that’s how un manageable my life was. I had to get a bogey licence off the Wig in town as I was getting a lot of charges and wasn’t long before I got arrested , there was a warrant out for my arrest and I got 4 months in mount joy in my absence , I was flung into the holding cell in tallaght court and told I had to wait for Courts to finish before going to prison , the guard said id one phone call and one I was dreading I had to ring me Dad for help to try get a solicitor to challenge the charge , at this stage the drugs were wore off and I was withdrawing badly in the cell sharing roll ups with two travellers and a bloke from the area, I was after leaving me smokes in the van so you can imagine my predicament , I rang harry and I could hear the disgust in his voice I knew he was contemplating letting me go to prison. I begged him and said id go to treatment if he helped me get a solicitor into the court. Two hours went by and when you’re sick from heroin it’s like 2 weeks I was curled up on the bench spitting out tobacco from the roll ups when I heard a bang on the door and guard saying Ciaran May solicitor here for ye I jumped up like a lizard and looked out the hatch in cell door and there’s Willy the Wig with a notepad and pen saying give me all the details of the charge .my heart sunk and thought thanks Willy but I need a solicitor so I told him everything and the hatch closed .It was 530 now and all cases were heard so I thought that’s it I’m bollixed then I got called last into the court , walked in like something out of trainspotting I seen my Dad and Willy in front row , a solicitor told the judge what Willy advised him I was a plumber I missed the court date I didn’t realize cause I moved out and didn’t receive the charge sheet that my father was there with bail money and I was needed for work , it worked and I got out and though Willy you little diamond.
I went straight to my van went off and got a bag and rang my Ma asked can I come home she said only if you go to treatment, I agreed I needed my family and too get help. We contacted a place down the country called Brother Franks and I got a bed straight away so I left a few days later. That Wednesday Willy collected me and we headed down I was glad he brought me I don’t think I could handle the journey with me Dad, id no drugs inside me I was already feeling sick which didn’t help as I was terrified of what was ahead, now if I had heroin inside me id of welcomed the experience and meeting everyone id of probably made them tea and waffled the ears off them. Ye see heroin gives you a new persona it fills your insecurities with secure confident attributed or so ye think , this is the attraction you have a young man who struggles with the emotional reality of life whose only friend he can be sure will make him feel good is heroin a tactic the devil implies to enslave your soul . Spent two hours driving feeling sick and we arrived at this big old cold looking building that reminded me of an old Irish boarding school, I was in my twenties but felt like a little boy, we walked into the front doors now when you’re sick on drugs all your senses are heightened and your body is in small spasms with an enemy whispering in your ear “go get a bag and sort this out tmro ,you can do this without treatment sure your only a few months on it” fuck off the little lying basted you’re the one that has me here I replied in my head .

We walked down the cold corridor past the kitchen where I seen few lads peeling spuds and into the office where stood a tall man of the cloth, I’m not sure of his name but I assumed it was Frank. He welcomed us there an immediately talked money which was 200 pounds a week which Willy had a cheque from Harry , with that out of the way he told me the program schedule but I was that sick I didn’t give a bollix what he said I couldn’t absorb it . He stood up a long slender man with a grey top and a small pair of glasses on the end of his shrone , he shook Willies hand and said he be fine, with that I said goodbye to Willy now ye swear I was going into a concentration camp for the rest of my life, being sick high strung and emotional I fought back the tears, I was given a key shown to my room and giving a bible and I thought “ that’s just lovely given a bible when iv other fella in my ear with a much sweeter offer. I’ve never felt more alone or vulnerable with a veracious battle going on in my head but I tried to draw strength from God which was quiet difficult as he was a stranger. I went down stairs and met few of the lads and played pool and helped prepare the dinner but my sickness was getting worse the lads said you’ll be a new man in a week, trying to build me up to see some light in my situation, now these guys were hardened drug addicts and criminals with some crazy stories of prison and armed robberies. I thought to myself I’m nowhere near as bad as these and started doubting being there. Frankie one of the lads I got chatting to said where having dinner and then a step one meeting, which was the first of twelve steps in the recovery process. Step 1 “we are powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable “
This concept interested me as it excluded me from guilt of my situation , if I’m powerless how is it my fault , just the excuse I needed . After dinner we all congregated in main meeting room , all very orderly and seated in a big square but all 33 men could see each other and one lad John opened up and began to share his story , his lips were moving but I couldn’t hear a thing my mind drifted off to thinking what the lads where doing in Baldys and had they gear there, at this stage it was too late to get a phone call but my mind was made up to leave I couldn’t cope with the sickness and wasn’t ready to stop , cold turkey is a horrific experience first time around. After the meeting they said the serenity prayer and start hugging each other now I found it hard enough to hug me Ma don’t mind a bunch of strange addicts.
I headed up to my room to begin the longest night of my life the fact I knew I was leaving the next day made it longer, I paced the room for hours, I read different scriptures and done press-ups and sit ups trying to tire myself and get some sleep but the process of opiates leaving your body is long and slow and extremely uncomfortable. Next morning finally came I went down to the office to tell them I was leaving and to use the phone saying I needed to ring my Dad but instead I rang Baldy and begged him to collect me , he agreed and I left later that day .
Driving back I got him and Dave to stop in Dublin and score some gear, I was that sick I was vomiting up the boil out of my stomach out the window of the van, we finally got back to Dublin and I got stoned and though my god that was horrible how will I ever get clean from this stuff, I understood then the battle I was in. the fun goes out of it very quickly your either sick or stoned and you’ll avoid being sick at all costs , got to the stage I start selling my tools and spending all my time in Baldys getting stoned , while my life was taken a downward spiral my brother Steo was flying ,he set up his own roofing business and bought his first property as much admiration I had for him I couldn’t help but feel inferior and ashamed of myself . I started to ponder going away to treatment and doing it properly this time, the final nail in the coffin came when I was driving out to ballyfermot early one morning as I woke up very sick, it was handy to score out there as the Alco’s sold it before the off licence opened so there bags were huge as they had no interest in Heroin. Funny they were only Alco’s I could depend on , I drove up to usual spot and no sign of them I began to get desperate so got out and waked all around the shops , I seen one fella he looked worse than me ,like he was wearing a coat hanger and teeth like yellow tic tacs gave me a nod I scored I thought happy days but I never checked it , got back to my van and burned the bag I got stung , my heart sunk as id only 20 pound left and fuck all diesel in me van which was nearly a crime to an addict to pay for I usually drove off and changed garages regularly . I took a hammer out of the back and went after him like a deranged madman he ran into housing estate I followed as I was turning I drove straight thru a 40 mile an hour pole stationed in middle of the road and sign off the top went flying thru the air and just missed some young fella in the garden , not giving a bollix as I was sick I seen the alchos walking past the shops I pulled the pole out of my van it was badly damaged and creased right thru the middle of my engine ,I flew over and got my bag ,it doesn’t matter what circumstances your faced with you’ll will do anything to avoid being sick . I drove to my usual spot the primo garage on long mile road and sat there and cried while getting stoned and oil squirting out off me van I wondered what was wrong with me as addiction can totally strip a life to the bare bones.

Reflection
Heroin supposedly comes from the name Hero, a German chemist Felix Hoffman created heroin as a medicine 11 days after inventing aspirin, must have been some headache. A more appropriate name would have been villain. In hindsight he created a monster even though it has its medical purposes it’s to be endured by parents and family of men and women witnessing the metamorphic change of their loved one into a parasite and heroin is its host. It destroys the whole core being and value system of a person into someone who lives on a one way street to habitual living.
Heroin to me is a drug that even the mention of its name creates uncomfortable feelings in this hypocritical world. It’s a drug not accepted by society because of its stigma and effects on the body mirrors biblical times when someone had leprosy. Anyone who becomes addicted will automatically befriend denial because of the stigma they be judged under. You will hear sayings like “One is too many and a thousand is never enough “, “It’s so good don’t even try it once “.
The German word for heroin is powerful and heroic, because of how it made the person taking it feel. According to legend it’s substitute methadone was initially christened dolophine in honour of Adolfo Hitler which in Latin is dolor meaning “end of pain “- Greek meanings are usually very profound but this time I think they got it wrong ,it’s the beginning of endless pain . Naming it in honour of a man responsible for killing aprox 11 million during the holocaust is fairly apt as the death toll still rises.
Its a horrible existence living in fear and the pressures of life the very thing that I use to comfort me began to destroy me and the things I loved I began to destroy. The strange illusion growing up in Dublin is that every other behaviour and drug is accepted to do as long as it wasn’t heroin. This thinking has destroyed many people’s lives and they don’t even realize as they believe the lie too.

 

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